As parents, we spend our time teaching our kids to be wary of strangers. Yet I think we are ignoring the forest for all the trees, because most child abuse (over 80%) isn't inflicted by strangers, but by people the children already know.
In my private practice I see adults who have survived sexual abuse as a child. And for none of them the abuser was a stranger. Instead it was the uncle, the tennis coach, the son of the cleaner, the baby-sitter, the father, the neighbour, the teacher, the brother - all had one thing in common: the child trusted them.
Now I don't think that the answer to this is to demonise all men, as we have seen when airlines don't let single men (stranger danger anyone?) sit next to children on a plane.
But rather, one of the things we can do is to raise awareness, both in children and in adults. It is about teaching children what adults are allowed or not allowed to do, and that the child is entitled to say "NO".
My friends often look at me in disbelief when I say I don't let my daughter go on sleep-overs. I in turn look at them in disbelief when they let their child go and sleep at a stranger's house just because the children happen to be friends and it's their birthday. I am quite sure that none of my friends are child-molesters. But is "quite sure" good enough when it comes to my children's safety? Not for me.
So I often am the one who raises the uncomfortable topic. As I am doing today.
By all means, do tell your children not to follow any adults they don't know. But also let them know that it is not ok for anyone to touch them inappropriately (I know, not a great chat to have), even when it is someone they like. And that if it does happen, that it is not ever their fault, and that they are safe to tell you, even when made to promise not to.
Another article specifically about male adults survivors of childhood sexual abuse can be found here.
In my private practice I see adults who have survived sexual abuse as a child. And for none of them the abuser was a stranger. Instead it was the uncle, the tennis coach, the son of the cleaner, the baby-sitter, the father, the neighbour, the teacher, the brother - all had one thing in common: the child trusted them.
Now I don't think that the answer to this is to demonise all men, as we have seen when airlines don't let single men (stranger danger anyone?) sit next to children on a plane.
But rather, one of the things we can do is to raise awareness, both in children and in adults. It is about teaching children what adults are allowed or not allowed to do, and that the child is entitled to say "NO".
My friends often look at me in disbelief when I say I don't let my daughter go on sleep-overs. I in turn look at them in disbelief when they let their child go and sleep at a stranger's house just because the children happen to be friends and it's their birthday. I am quite sure that none of my friends are child-molesters. But is "quite sure" good enough when it comes to my children's safety? Not for me.
So I often am the one who raises the uncomfortable topic. As I am doing today.
One in three girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused in some way before the
age of 18 years according to a study by Australian Institute of Criminology from 1993 as cited here.
By all means, do tell your children not to follow any adults they don't know. But also let them know that it is not ok for anyone to touch them inappropriately (I know, not a great chat to have), even when it is someone they like. And that if it does happen, that it is not ever their fault, and that they are safe to tell you, even when made to promise not to.
Another article specifically about male adults survivors of childhood sexual abuse can be found here.